The huge developmental concepts of ‘selfhood and belonging’ can’t be understood in a ‘How To’ manual. We need to understand them in our hearts. Let’s chew on ‘belonging’ with one more coffee this morning. I’m going to grab mine now.
I think the consummate expression of belonging in a child is when I hear the door creak at 3am and the pad-pad pad-pad of the 3-year old little girl’s feet down the hall. She’s had a dream. She stands at my bedside and I pull her into me. I whisper “you can have some cozy cuddles before you go back to bed.” She presses her littleness into my comfort. I smell that baby shampoo from last night as my chin rests on her head. She belongs in my arms. She knows she belongs. The blanket of sleep comes easily now.
It goes downhill from there and eventually she ends up kicking one of us in the face or The Builder ends up sleeping horizontally on the foot of the bed. But, our children belong in our care.
From there, we explore another concept. It is the concept of community…a learning community…a school. How do we belong to each other in a community?
When we step back from the whys and hows of this selfhood journey, we really must acknowledge that each person in relationship with others, has to give up some of their autonomy, individuality, or will to be in community…to belong. We have to spend time and energy. On a team, you must wear a uniform. In a classroom, you must be respectful. In community organizations, you must follow the path designated and volunteer.
While I realize one should never give up personhood to be in relationship with another, there is a dance between selfhood and belonging.
Belonging will ask us to empathize, realize we can’t control everything, face disappointment, learn from others, be touched by their hurts and joys.
It is right there,
in that tapestry of faith,
at that heart of being together,
where compassion and change-making is born.
Can 6-year olds do that? Well, not really well…yet. They can know they belong with the adults, but on the playground, they may actually hit someone else with a willow branch on the head. That’s normal. Then we communicate, coach, and care. Growth happens.
They are beginning to think about both independence (selfhood) and friendship (belonging). I saw the anchor charts in their classrooms yesterday.
When we’re at school, it can be difficult, because sometimes children are going through difficult things and they show us their pain or incapacity to cope in various ways. Our knee jerk reaction…we want to create space. It is too difficult. I feel it too. Of course, we want to shelter our child. But, we realize that the greatest good is to reach toward it. Surround that pain with support. It isn’t easy. People are hurt, frustrated, and wired for vengeance. So, while we are all learning to respect people’s hearts, property, and space, let’s remember that others are developing differently. They are going through pain. They’re little.
I’ve never met a child who at his core didn’t want to fit in, who didn’t want to belong, who didn’t want to do the right thing.
Research tells us that the number one indicator of happiness is meaningful relationships with others. Everyone wants that.
Things that I can do to help a child feel like they belong:
- give a hug
- catch their eye and smile
- cheer with authentic praise
- reach out to their mom or dad with a simple encouragement
- hold high expectations always and grace when it gets bad
- keep working through it
Can you think of someone in your learning community, right now, who may be struggling to belong? By struggling to belong, I don’t mean they’ve had a spat on the playground this fall, I mean the child who legitimately is different and deeply questioning if he or she belongs.
How can we as families consider that child? Maybe they are new to the school, have special needs, or are going through a very difficult time. What can we do to reach to that child and their family this week? What a great intention for the family…enter the week with the intention to help someone know that they ‘belong.’
Maybe you feel that way. Something in your heart always causes you to question, ‘Where do I belong?’ The answer is simple, we belong to each other.
Join me next week, I just have to share from my experiences at #TEDxKelowna2014 ‘When I Grow Up’ before we move on to the next part of the LearnForward model of Faith and Worthiness.
Until we meet again…
For the sake of the children…
LearnForward,
Karine